Grief

I’ve recently been reading Proverbs, and one of the Proverbs really stood out to me.

Even in laughter a heart may be sad,
and joy may end in grief (Proverbs 14:13,CSB).

This brought to mind so many people who may be or have been grieving and how often we overlook what they are going through. Just because someone seems happy doesn’t mean we can be oblivious to what struggles they may be having.

People like to have all the answers. When someone is going through a hard time, we like to be able to say some words and make everything instantly better. Unfortunately, this does no work.

In the Christian world, it seems we push this even deeper. Because we have access to the Word of God, we often think that gives us license to speak for Him and fix every situation. It is just not that easy.

As a nurse, a sizeable portion of my education was teaching us how to communicate therapeutically. That doesn’t make me an expert on this, but learning about carefully conversing with people opened my eyes to a lot of common communication efforts that are completely ineffective. An example of this teaching that has stuck with me is that asking “why” questions to individuals is in no way therapeutic. For instance, if you are trying to educate a smoker on better health habits, you will not be effective if you start the conversation with “Why are you smoking so much? Don’t you know that will kill you?” Using “why” usually comes across as accusatory when talking about personal matters and choices.

Cut the Clichés

Another ineffective communication technique is using clichés, and Christians are really guilty of doing this. Usually, no grieving person really wants to be reminded of these common sayings. On top of that, some of the most common ones like “everything happens for a reason” and “God won’t give you more than you can handle” really aren’t in the Bible.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everything does not happen for a reason because our choices to sin and the overall curse of sin cause things to happen that God would not will. So to tell someone in the face of a loss or an injustice that it happened for a reason is doing nothing but refusing to acknowledge their distress.

The Bible actually says that We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28, CSB). It’s not that everything happens for a reason but that despite the messy situations caused by the curse of sin, God still works things out for our good in the end. In other words, bad things happen, but God still has ultimate control in how it ends up. That is comforting, and is a better explanation of why bad things are able to happen. They are temporary.

God Won’t Give You More Than You Can Handle

Once again, the Bible never says this. The verse actually says, No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). This is speaking strictly of the temptation to sin. God won’t place sin on you and if you are tempted, He will give you a means to escape sin.

This verse is not speaking of suffering or trials. This world is very broken, and things could happen that are more than you as a human can take. They are not, however, more than our God can handle. In horrible situations, reliance on God is our only rescue. Our solace is to once again know that He is working all things out and we will be victorious in the end.

All this is to say, clichés are often not helpful and if they are going to be used, we need to make sure that they are at least true.

Listen

The one who gives an answer before he listens—
this is foolishness and disgrace for him (Proverbs 18:13, CSB).

Often, when someone is grieving, it is most helpful just to listen to them. Be there for them. Care about their situation. Don’t expect them to handle it the same way you have handled something in the past. I love that verse above: don’t be so quick to answer that you really don’t know what you are answering.

It’s too common for us to come to situations with our prepackaged advice and opinions. Whether someone has lost a loved one, or someone is grieving over something that you don’t understand at all, hear them and appreciate that even if you don’t get it, it is important to them.

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion (Proverbs 18:2).

Grieve

If you are the person going through a distressing situation, it’s okay to grieve! The Bible is clear that it is appropriate to do this.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance… (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

This world is messed up. We get glimpses of Heaven, only to have them pulled away from us by sin. We should grieve what sin has caused. Don’t hold it in. Even righteous people like Job, openly grieved: Why did you bring me out from the womb? Would that I had died before any eye had seen me and were as though I had not been, carried from the womb to the grave. Are not my days few? Then cease, and leave me alone, that I may find a little cheer (Job 10:18-20). Today, if someone said this as a Christian, we would probably rebuke them for it; yet God looked on Job with love. As a Christian, you can grieve.

Remember also that Jesus said, So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you (John 16:22).

Don’t Lose Site of Heaven

Like what Jesus said above, the Bible continually reminds us that this world will be fixed and that we will be comforted eventually.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18, NIV).

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18, NIV).

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV).

With Heaven and eternity drilled into our minds, nothing in this world can touch you. We grieve, but it is temporary because of our hope.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, NIV).

Conclusion

I’ve had many occasions, especially during my time working in the ICU, where I’ve been with grieving people. Often it was after their loved one had either just received terrible news, or had just passed away. There’s no perfect way to handle these situations, and I’m sure I said some things that came out wrong. But I always tried to listen and care about each individual situation. Usually, that is what people need. The grief will not go away by anything that I say, but showing Christ through love and caring hopefully helps.

My point here is that when people are grieving, care for them, and accept that you don’t have all the answers. Throw away clichés and only offer truthful advice when actually sought by the person grieving. Whether someone is grieving the loss of a family member, a job, if they are fearing a pandemic, if they’re grieving the killing of a man in Minnesota–hear them. Hurt with them. Love them. Because as stated above, A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion (Proverbs 18:2).

Christians, never lose site that one day, He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away (Revelation 21:4).

I pray this was helpful for someone.